There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. -- Mark Twain

When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. -- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken

Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. -- R. A. Heinlein

The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. -- Robert Heinlein

When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. -- Robert Heinlein

$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

Never try to outstubborn a cat. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you talked about. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.

Help a swallow land at Capistrano.

Rule of Creative Research: 1) Never draw what you can copy. 2) Never copy what you can trace. 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.

Cold, adj.: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)

What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.

There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. -- Dr. Who

Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same color"], that does not exist.

Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. -- Swami X

Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.

You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

Your lucky number has been disconnected.

Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! -- Adventures of Asterix.

The Roman Rule: The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

Save energy: be apathetic.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. -- Dykstra

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).

"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down Yeoman Rand and a six-pack."

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Metaphysics is a cobweb that the mind weaves around things.

We spend more time working for our labor-saving machines than they do working for us.

Bus Error - Please Take The Train.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is a big difference.

I tell my students that artificial intelligence is a property that a machine has if it astounds you. -- Herbert Freeman

An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.

If it's not on fire then it's a software problem.

Any sufficient advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. - Isaac Asimov

Survive first, then do the long-term planning

Whatever hits from the fan will not evenly distribute.

It works better if you plug it in. You almost work better if you don't.

You can never be too rich, too thin, or have too much memory.

The person who smiles when bad things happen knows who to blame it on.

Before you do anything, you have to do something else first.

If you don't care where you are, you're not lost.

It's a mistake to allow any mechanical object to know you're in a hurry.

If you want to keep your head while all those about you are losing theirs, be in charge of the guillotine.

The most useless computer tasks are the most fun to do.

You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Attilla The Hun's Maxim: If you're going to rape, pillage and burn, be sure to do things in that order. -- P. J. Plauger, Programming On Purpose

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. -- Ken Olson, President of World Future Society Convention, 1977

I have no mouth. And I must scream.

Who cares how it works, just as long as it gives the right answer. -- Jeff Scholnik

A.I. - the art of making computers behave like the ones in the movies

640K ought to be enough for anybody. -- Bill Gates, in 1981

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein

f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

A friend will help you solve your problems. A good friend will help you solve your computer problems. -- Jason Q.

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

Clues that you just might be a 'Net Junkie: When you start tilting your head sideways to smile, when you code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL, when you'd rather go to than look out your window.

Video games, interestingly, are far better integrated and have much better performance than office software. I think this is because people who program video games love them, and care about the ideas, look and feel of the resulting product. I doubt that anyone who programs word processors really loves writing. And that is the main difference.

USER, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." -- Dave Barry

Mad; adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane. -- Ambrose Bierce

I tell you: One must still have chaos in one to give birth to a dancing star! -- Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spake Zarathustra

There is serenity in Chaos. Seek ye the Eye of the Hurricane.

Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Belief? What do I believe in? I believe in sun. In rock. In the dogma of the sun and the doctrine of the rock. I believe in blood, fire, woman, rivers, eagles, storm, drums, flutes, banjos, and broom-tailed horses...

A civilized society is one which tolerates eccentricity to the point of doubtful sanity. -- Robert Frost

When we remember that we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. -- Mark Twain

Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the rule. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

Confusion not only reigns, it pours.

All that we are not stares back at what we are. -- Auden

Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad. -- Norm Papernick

It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right. -- Moliere

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

There is eloquence in screaming. -- Patrick Jones

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Facts, or what a man believes to be facts, are delightful... Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. -- Mark Twain

Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.

I'll get a life when someone demonstrates that it would be superior to what I have now. -- Gym Quirk

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say commonplace things but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the centerlight pop and everybody goes "AWWWW!!!" -- Jack Kerouac

Order is for idiots, genius can handle chaos.

Strange as it seems, my life is based on a true story. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

I like a person who grins when he fights. -- Winston Churchill

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there. -- Dana Gould

The day we lose our need for dreams is the day the human race forfeits its soul. -- John Chiam

Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. -- Theodore Roosevelt

Remember that the beauty of any dream is in never letting it go. -- Sarina

The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident. -- Sir Hugh Walpole

Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. -- Franklin P. Jones

Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted. -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. -- Albert Camus

No cord or cable can draw so forcibly, or bind so fast, as love can do with a single thread. -- Robert Burton

Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it. -- Thomas Fuller

Once I dreamed I was a butterfly, and now I no longer know whether I am Chuang Tzu, who dreamed I was a butterfly, or whether I am a butterfly dreaming that I am Chuang Tzu. -- Chuang Tzu

Knock on the sky and listen to the sound. -- Zen saying

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and try to follow where they may lead. -- Louisa May Alcott

The future belongs to those who believe in their dreams. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

I have learned this at least by my experiment: if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. -- Henry David Thoreau

Love lasts when the relationship comes first.

I'm gonna live forever, or die trying. -- Joseph Heller, Catch-22

Love is friendship set on fire. -- Jeremy Taylor

You know what's the most terrifying thing about admitting that you're in love? You're just naked. You put yourself in harm's way and you lay down all your defences. No clothes, no weapons. Nowhere to hide, completely vulnerable. The only thing that makes it tolerable is to believe the other person loves you back and you can trust him not to hurt you. The trouble with illusions is that you aren't aware you have any until they are taken away from you. -- Mary Doria Russell, The Sparrow

If you read a book, it can take you to places you haven't been before. -- Lindsay Ellen, age 10

You shouldn't put a marshmallow in the microwave. -- Mary, age 12

Pizza just isn't the same without extra cheese. -- Elise, age 14

You should never order seafood at a hamburger joint in Nebraska. -- Chad, age 11

It's not a very good idea to drink a two-liter Coke before going to bed. -- Patrick, age 10

When you lick a slug, your tongue goes numb. -- Bethany, age 11

Life is filled with ups and downs but most of the time I'm going sideways. -- Leslie, age 11

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

In the moment of victory, buckle your chinstrap. -- Japanese proverb

Any group of folks willing to make asses of themselves in pursuit of a good time needs to be commended and encouraged. The spirit of human frolic needs all the help it can get. -- Molly Ivins

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather, because it's safer to pick on rich women than biker gangs. -- Red Green

Here lies Jan Smith, wife of Thomas Smith, marble Cutter. This monument was erected by her husband as a tribute to her memory and a specimen of his work. Monuments of this same style are two hundred and fifty dollars. --Gravestone Inscription

On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.

Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really *are* after you.

Paranoia is its own reward.

All things being equal, you lose.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die. --Mel Brooks

The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau].

Resistance is useless! (If i>Self-Reliance

Trust but verify. -- Russian proverb

Though this be madness, yet there is method in it. Shakespeare, Hamlet II, ii, 207

This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.

There are moments when everything goes well; don't be frightened, it won't last. -- Jules Renard

The world would run a lot smoother if more men knew how to dance.

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

The wisest of the wise may err. -- Aeschylus

the wind is a Lady with bright slender eyes (who moves) at sunset and who touches the hills without any reason. -- e.e. cummings

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the Strong. -- Mahatma Gandhi

The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it. -- Flannery O'Connor

The true republic: men, their rights and nothing more; women, their rights and nothing less. -- Susan Anthony

The true Black Belt is the white belt of a beginner, stained by the dried blood and sweat of the owner.

The road to enlightenment is Long and Difficult. Bring snacks and a book to read.

The religion that is afraid of science dishonors God and commits suicide. Ralph Waldo Emerson

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim. -- E. W. Dijkstra

The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

The Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. 3) If it doesn't work, it's physics.

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. -- Rabindranath Tagore

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it. -- Napoleon Bonaparte

That's life: trust and you're betrayed; don't trust and you betray yourself. -- Merlin in Knight of Shadows by R. Zelzany

Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy. -- Howard Newton

Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

Sleep is perhaps the only among life's great pleasures that need not be of short duration. -- Merlin, from Knight of Shadows by R. Zelzany

Quien canta su mal espanta. (When you sing you drive away your grief.)

Professionals are predictable; it's the amateurs that are dangerous.

Physicists define stress as force per unit area. The rest of humanity defines stress as physics.

Phaser - the ultimate point and click interface.

People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute. -- Rebecca West

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. -- Thomas Edison

One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

No problem is so big or complicated that it can't be run away from.

Never murder a man that is committing suicide. -- Woodrow Wilson

Never frighten a little man. He'll kill you. -- Robert A. Heinlein

Never explain; your friends do not need it and your enemies won't believe you anyway. -- Elbert Hubbard

Never correct a dragon.

Never ask a dragon if he has a light.

Murphy's Law Adaptation: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. -- H.G. Wells

May your neighbors respect you, trouble neglect you, the angels protect you, and heaven accept you. -- Old Irish toast

Love your enemies. It makes them so damn mad.

Love has reasons that reason knows nothing of.

Life begets life. Energy creates energy. It is by spending oneself that one becomes rich. Sarah Bernhardt

Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. -- The Brigadier, from "Dr. Who"

It's not much of a tail, but I'm kind of attached to it. -- Eeyore

It's easy to play any musical instrument: all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play itself. -- J.S. Bach

It is not the same to talk of bulls as to be in the bullring. -- Spanish proverb

Intelligence is like underwear, everyone has it but you don't have to show it off.

In seeking wisdom thou art wise; in imagining that thou has attained it thou art a fool. Simon Ben Azzai, second century (A.D.) Jewish scholar.

In pain lies the greatest teacher of all. -- The Bushido, Way of the Warrior

In Budo-kai, the difference between a Master and a young warrior is one of ideals. The warrior is proud, and thinks he is powerful; in reality he is nothing. The Master knows he is nothing, and this realization helps him to become something. -- The Bushido, Way of the Warrior

If you don't want to fall down, don't walk in slippery places.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -- Catherine Aint

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops. Kelvin Throop

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing. If it works, tear it apart and find out why.

I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

I would like to take you seriously but to do so would affront your intelligence. - William F. Buckley, Jr.

I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whose opinions I have no respect. -- Edward Gibbon

I cannot be bought... but I can be rented. -- Don O'Shaughnessy

Humans are like tea bags. They never realize their strength until they are put in hot water.

Hug: a roundabout way of expressing affection.

Hide not your talents, they for use were made. What's a sundial in the shade? Benjamin Franklin

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

He whom trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away. -- Raymond Hull

Hazards are one of the main causes of accidents. -- U.S. Occupational Safety and Health Administration

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. Robert A. Heinlein

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. Mark Twain

Evil comes in many forms, be it a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin. The Tick

Even a short pencil is more reliable then the longest memory.

Engineer: a person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.

Dream as if you'll live forever; live as if you'll die today.

Dragons: the ORIGINAL flying toasters!

Dragons in orgasm...the first natural fireworks display.

Don't think there are no crocodiles because the water is calm.

Do what you feel in your heart to be right; for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggy' until you can find a rock. -- Will Rogers

Decide promptly, but never give your reasons. Your decisions may be right but your reasons are sure to be wrong. -- Lord Mansfield

'Crazy' -- a nonscientific term meaning that the person to whom one applies that label has a world picture differing from the accepted one. -- R.A. Heinlein

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.

Being right too soon is socially unacceptable. -- Robert A. Heinlein

Before the beginning of great brilliance, there must be chaos. -- I Ching

Bacteria: the only culture some people have.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream. -- Edgar Allan Poe

Aim high; you may still miss the target, but at least you won't shoot your foot off. -- Lois McMaster Bujold

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won't like you at all. -- Rita Mae Brown

A woman's love is a man's privilege, not his right.

A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. -- Lillian Day

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. -- Groucho Marx

$3 million, Mr. Bond, or I'll run for President! -- Ernest Stalvo Perot

Death isn't on line. If he was, there would be a sudden drop in the death rate. Although it'd be interesting to see if he'd post things like: DON'T YOU THINK I SOUND LIKE JAMES EARL JONES? - P. Terry

"Paint the town red with the blood of our enemies" is actually NOT one of the company's goals for the upcoming fiscal year.

Everything I needed to know in life I learned in Kindergarten. Like: Once you pull the pin on Mr. Hand Grenade, he is no longer your friend.

Grizzly bears are omnivorous. 80% of their diet is roots, bugs and plants. The other 20% is meat. So when you see a Grizzly looking at you he is not seeing a person. He sees his 20%.

Put "Eat Chocolate" at the top of your list of New Year's Resolutions. That way, at least you'll do one of them.

Monogamous heterosexual love is probably one of the most difficult, complex, and demanding of human relationships. -- Margaret Mead

To me, elitism means a love of excellence and superiority, but America has declared war on both and developed a sick love of the lowest common denominator to make sure no-one becomes too fine for our touted democracy. We are almost at the point of regarding every virtue as elitist. --Florence King